[For the sake of anonymity, I will refer to myself as Casey]
Hello to all private candidates and students! I’m Casey, an aspiring History major, and also a three-time A-level candidate. Thanks to TakeTwo, I would like to use this platform to share my A-level story, and I sincerely hope readers would gain newfound insight and greater self-confidence.
My story starts off rather unremarkably, as an Express student who was active in CCAs and was decent at his studies. Upon entering a somewhat prestigious secondary school and attaining top placings in national competitions, my confidence and expectations of myself inflated considerably. I never projected it outward, but deep down I felt I was deserving of excellence.
My O-level results would clearly contradict this, and a disappointed me, who expected a single digit L1R5, grudgingly enrolled into a neighbourhood JC. Still clinging to my ego that I would change everything with my A-levels, I dismissed every single polytechnic option despite my L1R4 being viable for almost every course. JC (Junior College) was the only way for me, I thought, and I carelessly enrolled into a generic Science course of CME/P. Unwittingly, the combination would reflect my state of mind. I knew PCME was the "standard" combination for the elite JC students I've heard about in stories, and even though I had no affection for physics, I insisted on taking it as a H1 so I could retain a semblence of this ideal of "standard".
I ambled along my two years of JC, failing examination after examination. It certainly worried me, seeing rank points in the 30s and 40s on my report card, but I clung to a false sense of security that without the "grade deflation" in JC, I would get a decent result from those marking my script in Cambridge and enrol into a generic, local uni course. I had no clear reason as to why I was taking the A-levels, or why I was learning those specific subjects. I simply wanted to fit into my vague ideal of a "normal Express, JC student" and gain the approval and respect of those around me. Other than that, I had no idea what I really wanted.
I would be unceremoniously thrown off my course with the receiving of my A-level results in February 2017, just as my BMT was coming to a close. A single S grade for my H2 Math doomed all chances of getting a slot into a local university. For the first time, I could not convince myself I was "on the right track". For the first time, I felt sick with the thought that a wall suddenly stood in front of me, obstructing my half-hearted and carefree trek through life. For the first time, I saw all my peers suddenly pull ahead as they readied themselves for the next phase in university while I was stuck in a limbo.
But there was a solution! A retain scheme that my JC was kind enough to offer to those who have failed the A-levels. That I thought, would be my get out of jail card. A quick fix. A Hail Mary to right all wrongs. Without hesitating, I applied for it. It wasn't glamorous to retain, but it was comforting to be able to convince myself that I could get back on track for only the cost of nine months of study. With almost three years of experience and effort put into doing past year papers, my grades would all improve, I would pass my H2 Math and just like that, I would get into a local university. That was the plan. and no one would remember that I failed my A-levels, and I wouldn't need to confront any uncomfortable life questions.
My false sense of security did not mean a smooth sailing nine months in JC, however. It was plagued with constant burn out, conflicts with parents, loneliness and bouts of fear and uncertainty. On hindsight, I was motivated, not by a desire to do well for the As, but to escape it. Since I did not have any grades to put my mind at rest, I turned to sleeping and binge watching. I did past year papers with dread, as difficult questions were an uncomfortable reminder that I had poor foundations in my subjects; that another failure was looming ahead.
After my second attempt, I was re-enlisted into the army. I had trouble adjusting to the new conditions and had very poor sleep. All my friends were long gone, enjoying their new beginnings in universities or getting closer to their ORD dates. It was in this environment of deteriorating health and loneliness that I received my second set of A-level results. It hardly improved. I was in the same exact place as I was a year ago. Those months as a retainee while agonizing over a second A-levels were for naught. I no longer had any easy solutions, and bitterly looked through the vague descriptions of local university courses, picking out those with the lowest IGPs (Indicative Grade Profile). Never in my life would I have expected that I would end up in this position. Whenever anyone inquired about my current situation, I was overcome with shame, and meekly gave vague answers. I spent the first half of 2018 fantasizing about situations that would pull me out of the abyss. Maybe the ABA (Aptitude Based Admission) scheme would come through and save the day. Or maybe that referral I submitted would convince the university to admit me. Or maybe, just maybe, my desperate plea through the Appeal process would work. When none came to fruition and rejections became final, I sunk into despair.
For the remainder of the year, I would go in and out of mental breakdowns. I remember cautiously looking around for quiet corners in the barracks so I could sit down for a cry, or staying up for hours wallowing in self-pity. I had to delete social media to forcibly stop myself from comparing with my peers. At home, heated and tear-wrenching exchanges would take place with parents. I felt that they did not respect my opinions, while telling myself that I was deserving of their lack of respect. Not one to engage in self-harm, I instead wished for death. Now I didn't just want to escape from the A-levels, I wanted to escape from life itself.
As I began to accept my position, I spent the beginning of 2019 with self-reflection and self-confrontation. What was I supposed to do with this life? What should I do now? What matters to me? I desperately needed answers, but could not find any clarity. After speaking with a great deal of people, I began to accept that, like me, few had answers to these questions too, and that it was alright to take unconventional paths in life to find these answers. Gradually, I let go of the notion of the "ideal student" that I was supposed to be. Rather than insisting on an uphill battle trying to naviagate the "standard" pathway in life, I would accept my flaws and carefully choose my battles. Through a process of elimination, I narrowed my options down to a mere handful, which included an assortment of private university and two-year polytechnic courses, as well as an A-level attempt that included History.
Why History? Well, I always had an affection for modern history, as great historical events and their rippling effects fascinated me. I had scored an A1 for History Elective, and a hobby of mine consisted of reading history books or articles, and watching history documentaries. But that was all I saw in History; a hobby. I was intimidated and dismissive of the prospect of taking as a H2 while in JC. Looking back, it was not inaccurate to describe me as a fool.
To test the waters, I signed up for a private candidate attempt at H1 Chemistry. A good score would indicate that a third A level attempt could be viable, but more importantly, it would indicate that I had developed a degree of self-discipline. I spent my nights outs (a privilege for NS men to be able to spent the evening out of camp grounds before returning for a 10PM roll call) revising with old H2 Chemistry notes and doing practise papers bought on Carousell till late hours. Going into the examination hall, I felt a sense of confidence that I only had with GP (my best performing subject in JC). Three months later, a nervous me logged online to review my results. A one-row table was all that was present on an otherwise empty result slip. In it were the words "H1 CHEMISTRY" and the letter "A".
Seizing this, I decided to go for a third attempt at the A-levels. This time however, I would only do subjects I was comfortable with. I enrolled in a tuition centre, and with their advice, changed another subject, H2 Math, to H2 Management of Business. For my History lessons I was paired with a tutor who held a Master's from Oxford, and his knowledge and skill in writing intimidated me. However, I later found out that he, like me, had failed his A-levels. That didn't stop him however, and he did a polytechnic course to get into NUS and finally Oxford. His cheery outlook and gusto inspired me, and helped to alleviate some of my confidence issues. His lessons helped revive an academic interest in the subject I once regarded as a hobby, and gave me the courage to pursue History in higher education.
With a new outlook on life and greater self-acceptance, I went into the A-level examination for the fourth time. I knew that this time, I had let go of many things that were limiting me previously, and was finally able to confidently profess that I had did my best. This was not to say that I harboured fantasies of scoring straight As. I was aware of my capabilities, was realistic and down to earth, and knew that I was getting a rank point of about 80; enough to enrol into NUS FASS, where I could major in History.
As it turns out, my prediction was not far off, other than a disappointing dip in my GP grade. But what I learnt from my long journey battling the A-levels was far more valuable than my result slip. I had awoken from my unmotivated, carefree state and let go of desires to impress those around me. I learnt what mattered to me, and I was prepared to take on any path to pursue it, regardless of "prestige".
I didn't share my story in order to advertise how life-changing Private A-levels was. Rather, it was the other way around, in that I had to change my view on life and myself in order to take on the A-levels. I hope my story reaches not only private candidates, but to all those who are battling uncertainty and life's challenges, inspiring and giving them the courage to fight for their dreams, regardless of pathway. To accept that some doors in life close on us in order to funnel us towards opportunities that play to our unique strengths, and that it is okay to be unsure of our purpose or "end goal", is what I would like readers to take away from my story. To those who are determined, and have decided to embark on the journey of the Private Candidate, I wish you all the best.
-Casey