You know how in movies or shows, there comes a point where the protagonist hits rock bottom? Tears don’t seem to stop, nothing makes any sense and the most heartbreaking instrumental tune echos in the background. Well, in my case, melancholic music was replaced with enveloping silence and instead of a protagonist, I felt like someone WatchMojo would feature in their list of top 10 losers. You don’t forget the days which shake your spirit and make you feel like you’ve gone horribly askew - I don’t think I will ever forget 21st February 2019, the day I received my first set of results. For some context, these were the grades I was staring at on my laptop screen :
General Paper - A
English Literature (H2) - C
Economics (H2) - B
Mathematics (H2) - S
History (H1) - B
I remember with trembling hands counting my rank points and realising that no matter how many times I calculated, the answer would remain as 69. Other than my score, my biggest concern was the S grade I received for H2 math. Different universities have a requirement for the number of subjects you need to pass before you can even consider applying. After a quick chat with my teacher, I realised that most local universities would not even entertain my application as I did not clear an H2 subject. I recall feeling absolutely dejected, jaded and defeated.
The days following my results felt like a blur. I recall having long, heated conversations with my parents and sitting for hours by myself thinking about what to do. However, it was amidst this confusion and chaos that I ironically found some clarity. While looking at my options (private uni, retaking etc.) I realised a few things :
1.“I have no clue what I want to pursue in University” - I knew what my interests were but I still had very little idea on what I wanted to dedicate 4 years of my life and 30k worth of tuition fees towards. I knew that I was not yet ready to commit to a university education and would rather take a gap year to explore my options and work towards getting a better score which could open more doors for me.
2. “H2 Math is the biggest drag on my overall rank point” - I quickly understood that H2 math was not for me. No matter how much effort I put in the subject in JC, I knew I had little interest in it and also realised that it would hardly add value to what I wanted to pursue in the future.
3. “I really think I can do better” - There was a little part of me that genuinely believed I had the potential to do better. While I did not shine in H2 Math in JC, I truly loved my other subjects. I would always look forward to participating in lit lessons or crafting essay plans in history class. I knew the piece of paper with the grades I received did not reflect my true potential and calibre in the subjects I took and it made me all the more determined to try again.
Given the clarity I had towards my situation, I knew that retaking was my best choice.
My parents were initially hesitant towards my decision to take a gap year and were willing to sponsor my education at a private university instead. However, with time, they saw that I was determined to try again and I was lucky enough to have their unwavering support in my retaking journey. I was incredibly frightened to take such a huge risk by embarking on a gap year. However, with fear came a resolute, rock-solid decision from which I knew there was no turning back.
I made the choice to retake a week after results and immediately began sourcing for notes and getting myself back into the mindset of running the long marathon for A’s. I still applied to the big three universities just to try my luck, but I knew that retaking was the path I was going to tread. (NTU English was generous enough to offer me a place in end-April but I ended up rejecting the offer. SMU and NUS rejected my application.)
I decided to drop H2 Math from the get-go and I instead changed my subject combination to H1 Maths and H2 History. While I did H1 History in JC, H2 History still felt like learning a new subject given the sheer difference content and volume. A quick word of advice : If you know that you’re not interested in a particular subject or know that another subject could allow you to better play to your strengths, then I truly would advise you to change your subject combination. It definitely is a risk but you’re more likely to actually put in the effort and perform better.
The story after this point isn’t really interesting. I basically committed to retaking and began the process of studying at home every day. I signed up for H2 History tuitions in February and had tuitions for the rest of my subjects after June. Also, if it wasn't clear by now, retaking is expensive. While I paid for my retake with the money I earned from my part-time job during the holidays, I remember feeling ridiculously guilty for burdening my parents with the cost of tuitions throughout the year. I knew that the price I was paying for retaking was high and hence was all the more determined to make sure it paid off !
To cut things short, at this juncture I’d just like to share some of the key things I did/actions I took which I believe truly helped me and could help you too.
1. Cutting off from social media - Social media was a huge source of distraction for me. For starters, my feeling of ‘lagging behind’ was only amplified when I saw my feed filled with friends going to uni and starting their new lives. I knew that I could not let comparison get the better of me so I deactivated my main account and asked my friend to change the password. I created a small IG account with 15 followers who were my closest friends and just used it to keep in touch with those who truly mattered. Social Media can be toxic depending on your mental state. Given that I was already in a vulnerable place, I knew that cutting off from social media would be good for my mental health and would allow me to focus on myself.
2. Having a close-knit community for support - While I was retaking, my social life was quite minimal. I would feel guilty for going out and with COVID spiking, I had little choice but to be a hermit at home. However, I made it a point to stay in touch with my closest friends and have zoom calls with them regularly ! Having a small close-knit community of friends whom I trusted and could be vulnerable with made me feel comforted. In fact, retaking allowed me to forge deeper connections with them. There is something about friends who support you at your rock bottom that truly makes the friendship all the more worth cherishing and holding on to. To those retaking, please do not shy from relying on your friends for support. If anything, your true friends will always be there for you and be your biggest cheerleaders. I know that mine were and I honestly could not be more lucky to have their unwavering love and support.
3. Being consistent - I made it a point to have a to-do list daily and would try to complete what I set out to do for the day. Of course, there were days I was unmotivated and simply put... lazy, but on those days I would tell myself to still do some work, albeit a little, just so I knew I did something to go one step closer towards achieving my goals. I would try to complete some work and would take a break for the rest of the day. As a rule of thumb, I tried to complete all my tasks by the end of the week even if I could not complete it by a certain day.
4. Asking Questions - I knew that with retaking, it was easy to keep questions to myself since I did not have mid years or prelims to study for or a class setting where I was expected to ask questions. Hence, I made it a point to immediately asked friends/tutors questions whenever I encountered doubts. Snowballing your doubts is fatal and I knew I could not afford to have my questions pile up.
5. Having a routine & taking things one day at a time - The idea of taking things one day at a time sounds simple, but it takes effort to truly have that mindset. It’s easy to get caught up worrying about the future or wallowing in the uncertainty that comes with retaking. To prevent myself from spiralling worrying about the future, I made sure to remind myself to take it one day at a time. All I was concerned about was completing my tasks for the day and planning for the next. As cliche as it sounds, I tried to focus on the journey instead of the destination. Taking it one day at a time helped calm my nerves and allowed me to better focus on the task at hand. After all, it’s the little efforts we take every day that counts!
At the end of it all, I was lucky enough to see my hard work pay off. My grades after retaking were straight As except a B for H1 Math. My score allowed me to apply to my dream course and even receive a scholarship. I got back way more than what I had lost - all it took was a leap of faith and crazy determination :-)
I’m grateful for my score and beyond happy with what I achieved, but I want to let you in on a little secret - moments of happiness and triumph are fleeting. Sadness and tragedy, on the other hand, have a tendency to stay on and be an all-consuming force which doesn’t seem to easily let go. I remember how the grief and shame from my 69 rank points stayed on with me for a long time, even after getting my second set of results. In fact, the joy of receiving 88.75 felt rather fleeting, almost anti-climatic as I was almost immediately bombarded with University applications and planning for the next phase of life. It seemed like a year's worth of toil was just for a single moment - the single moment where I opened the envelope to see my results slip. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, while the happiness of doing well is one to cherish, it is ultimately temporary. What stays is the lessons learnt and the way you grew from failures and grief. Retaking truly allowed me to evolve as an individual and test my limits. I never knew I had it in me to courageously see through my choice to retake, especially as someone who was used to following the regular path set out for me. Regardless of the end result, I want you to know that retaking is more than just taking the A-Levels again. It’s taking a risk, taking a dive into the unknown, and making the choice to tread the path less taken. The courage to make this choice itself is worth commendation and speaks to who you are as a person.
I hope my story inspires those retaking and provides some useful insights. But at the end of the day, I really mean it when I say that there is more to life than just letters on a piece of paper. Sure, grades are important when it comes to university admissions. However, please remember that it is just a stepping stone to the next stage. Once you are in University, your rank points are practically irrelevant. A Levels is certainly not the be all or end all and definitely not a mark of your potential as an individual! I’m still the same person regardless of 69 rank points or 88.75 - what has changed however is my outlook towards failure and life. I’m better for making the choice I did and I hope you also find and create value in your retaking journey :-) Wishing you all the very very best ! If you have any questions or would just like to chat, just drop a DM on Take Two's IG or send us an email and I'd be happy to respond ! Keep your chin up and soldier on - we're rooting for you !